exercising my literacy

Life, oh life, oh life.

I never understood that Desiree song. Something about fearing ghosts and eating toast (nothing quite like popsong profoundity).

But anyhow, what was I gonna say...

I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, we are old. Grad apps. Weddings. Babies. Loans. Credit cards. Travelling overseas. Living overseas. This ambivalent state between being old and doing grown up things (get married, job), and denial of our age by living a cashed-up second adolescence (living overseas in a pubcrawling haze, spending away our newly acquired incomes from aforementioned grad jobs). My gosh we're neck deep in this twentysomething cliche.

And you know what the scariest thing is? I can't remember what we used to talk about before, back in high school, sitting in the corridor leaning on the lockers. But somehow I think it was more interesting than what we talk about now. Maybe interesting is the wrong word. Definitely less predictable.

Youth is brief and time is winging. Indeed. Meanwhile, I'm going to stop chanting "yuck we're old". The more I do that, the older I'll feel.

posted by me. @ 12:00 PM 3 comments

Very blessed indeed.

"... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

I learnt that at Kyckstart.

"Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles." Philippians 4:14

I learnt that just then when I got out my Bible to type out what I learnt at Kyckstart.

I started the post wanting to say how I'm learning to be content whatever the circumstance. But now what I want to say is, thankyou for sharing in my troubles. For hearing me out, for not just dismissing me and saying "you'll be fine". Thankyou for giving a damn. That means more to me than words can say.

All my love, Grace.

posted by me. @ 5:24 PM 0 comments

Not all forwarded emails are junk.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, in a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people... You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, 1 Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better... God didn't put me on earth just to fulfil a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

posted by me. @ 10:46 PM 0 comments

As for God, his way is perfect.

"From our limited vantage point, our lives are marked by an endless series of contingencies. We frequently find ourselves, instead of acting as we planned, reacting to an unexpected turn of events. We make plans but are often forced to change those plans. But there are no contingencies with God. Our unexpected, forced change of plans is a part of His plan. God is never surprised; never caught off guard; never frustrated by unexpected developments. God does as He pleases and that which pleases Him is always for His glory and our good." - Trusting God, pp47-8, Jerry Bridges

Our unexpected, forced change of plans is a part of His plan.

I crashed the car last night. It's okay, no one was hurt, the accident wasn't my fault and I have insurance so hopefully it will be taken care of. But the car got towed, and my parents insisted that I go the next day (ie. today) to the police and make a report. I was supposed to have a labour ward shift today so then I called in to explain what happened and got out of the shift.

Then my dad called back to say that I could take his car to church today. Only then did I remember that I had promised to play piano for the Bilingual service over houseparty weekend because all the other piansts had gone to houseparty. I knew that I was supposed to play today, and I knew that I was supposed to go to hospital today, but it never clicked that these two were happening on the same day.

If I didn't crash the car, I know I would have gone to the hospital at 7am and forgotten about playing. So that was a good thing, He kept me doing the thing that I should have been doing today. (It was like God ensured that even my frazzledness could not thwart His plans =P)

And what a blessing it ended up to be, playing at church today. When the service finished, a boy came up to me and asked me if I played the piano every week there. I said that I don't usually go to the Bilingual service, and I was only filling in this week because of houseparty. It turns out that this boy just came from China and was a really great pianist but he's living with relatives now and they don't own a piano. He's a Christian who used to play at his church in China as well, and since coming here he's been missing playing the piano.

He lives near our church, so I said that he could come and tinker on the piano after school or whatever as long as he called my dad up first, since no one uses the piano during the week anyway. Being the opportunist that I am, I invited him to come to Youth Fellowship which he seemed keen about. I also told them about the Cantonese service in the morning that they could go to next week.

When I came home and told all this to Dad, he said how Cantonese service was just in dire need for pianists. How odd. Or rather, how perfect. (Psalms 18:30).

So Bilingual service didn't lack a pianist today after all. And this boy found somewhere to muck around on the piano when he wanted to. And hopefully, YF got a new recruit. And perhaps, just maybe, Canto service may get a new regular pianist.

And me, I got a really big lesson on the Sovereignty of God.

Amen.

posted by me. @ 6:49 PM 0 comments

A bagel and a stranger.

Waiting for my blueberry bagel to be heated up, I overheard the girl in front of me talking to the coffee guy. The girl was giving the him a CD and asking him to play it in the cafe. The coffee guy was hesitant but then took it after she insisted that it was free. She quickly thanked the guy and shyly ducked out.

The girl was not exactly pretty. She was Asian, rather plump and frumpily dressed. The coffee guys had a laugh about this girl, which I thought was uncalled for. But they played the CD anyway.

If you ever saw this girl on the train, walking by you in the street, never in a million years would you expect her to have a voice as amazing as that. It was the perfect accompaniment to my bagel and coffee. Velvety smooth voice on jazzy piano chords. It was a joy to listen to.

Which made me think, how much amazingness lay in the people around you that you will never know, never expect. Each person sitting next to you on the bus, the checkout chick, your lecturer... so many cool things about people that you might never find out.

That girl might've been the coolest person I've never met.

posted by me. @ 3:06 PM 0 comments

A caricature.

She can be found in all facets of social interaction. She is the bank teller lady, the lady at church, the one who talks to you on the bus, your friend's mother, your mother.

She is the middle aged woman, and skepticism is her middle name. There is something that people are not telling them and they need to seek the truth for themselves.

She does not trust common knowledge. She makes sacred the "facts" delivered by tabloid magazines and current affair programs which reveal secrets of all sorts -- dieting secrets, secrets to riches, cures for cancer. From Womans Day to Today Tonight she is empowered with medical, financial and legal knowledge.

She does not trust modern medicine. She is an avid follower of alternative treatment. She will push boxes of vitamins on you. HRT is evil. Weeds and animal oils are lifesaving (even though they would never eat grass or the skin off chicken wings), but they literally cured Susan's mother's neighbour's hairdresser and therefore they must work.

She does not trust big brand cosmetic brands. They test on animals or use slave labour or cause cancer. What really works is stuff that you can only order by mail. They can be trusted because they are promoted by similarly inclined middle aged women, or one of 'us'. Having a sister's colleague's niece swear that it works always reassures.

She does not trust technology. Microwaves will fry your brain, mobile phones will make you infertile. The power lines you live near will give you leukaemia, the internet is full of porn and viruses.

She does not trust her children. They are doing drugs or sleeping around or being conned into a gang. She will call five times a day to find out where they are, who they're with, what time they will be home, whether they will be properly fed, whether they will get home okay, who they can call if something were to happen to them.

She can only trust herself. For once she is convinced of something, no amount of persuasion will change her mind. She does not care that subsequent research has found no links between eating bananas and having deformed babies -- Auntie Jane ate bananas and her child was retarded so that must be true. She seeks understanding from other middle aged women and it is from them that she draws most of her knowledge and exacerbates most of her distrust.

She is the middle aged woman, hear her roar.

(The funniest thing is, one day I'll probably end up being one...)

posted by me. @ 3:23 PM 0 comments

A glimpse of unpleasantness.

On our way to a wedding this morning, my mum turned to me and said, "So when are you going to get a boyfriend?"

Good thing I wasn't the one driving.

So two years ago, when I told her that I was going out with someone, she told me I was too young. Now she's telling me that if I don't hurry up I will miss the boat. Somewhere between 19 and 21 I've gone from overprotected teenager to concern-invoking spinster.

I had to inwardly remind myself that I was 21. Nevertheless I was pretty mortified. I wondered if this was merely the beginning of many more comments of this flavour in the upcoming 3, 5, 10 years. How awful it must be to be "marrying age" and single.

On the way home Mum told me about my aunt who is crying divorce after 5 years and 2 kids. My uncle was one of those "marrying age and single" bachelors. I don't know that he married out of social pressure, though I know for a fact that he used to cop it all the time from everyone about settling down etc etc. But heck if that were the case then I wonder what would be going through his brain now.

I hope they work stuff out. =(

If it came down to being 35 and single (and having Mum nag me about getting a bf everyday) or being 35 and stuck in a bad marriage, having married just whoever that came along, just to shut everyone up and not feel like the odd one out...

posted by me. @ 9:38 PM 0 comments

Junk food for thought.

Webtrawling in the student common room (again)...

Obese Shoppers Treated More Rudely, Study Shows

The most fascinating part to me is the part about the Diet Coke, and how that then recalibrates the shop assistants' behaviour. It's almost as if being fat were a sin, and if you appeared to be on a repenting path to "renounce your ways" then acceptance would be offered.

And this is just strange. Green chastity pants. Hahahaha.

Hey I think I'm getting the hang of this time-killing business.

posted by me. @ 11:50 AM 0 comments

Post-partum.

For the sake of completeness I feel like I should make one last post before this day is over.

I am so tired. I didn't realise it until now, now that I've finally sat down.

Mother and baby are doing fine. I shed a tear when he came out. It's hard to explain the joy you feel, even as a bystander. When you see how awful birth is, how excruciatingly painful it is, you realise how undeniably brave women are. Twelve hours ago she was a stranger, but when the baby finally came out (omg I thought it never would) I felt so proud of her. I hope I don't convey any condescension in saying that; on the contrary I admire her so so much. The fact that she was my age (actually she's younger) made me admire her even more.

Haha the fatigue is making me soppy. Aight I need to collapse somewhere...

posted by me. @ 9:45 PM 0 comments

6 hours in...

Lunchtime.

I didn't sleep last night. Kept thinking about the stuff I read in the textbook before I went to sleep. An O&G text is definitely not good bedtime literature. And the pictures. Whoever said that doing an O&G term is the best contraceptive device around is absolutely correct.

I've seen one delivery so far, and the other one that I'm "looking after" isn't due until 10 or 11 tonight (haha it's like waiting around for a flight). So I'm going to be here for a while (so much for leaving after 12 hours).

Y'all go home and thank your mothers for giving birth to you. Especially if you are the firstborn.

And I am so so thankful, the midwife I'm following around is very nice. Just hope the one that comes on this afternoon is equally nice.

Better get back to scoffing my lunch... more blood pressures, pulses and temps to be taken...

posted by me. @ 1:09 PM 0 comments

On the eve of it all.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Jesus (Matt 6:34)

I am so scared of tomorrow I can't even begin to convey my apprehension. Today we had orientation into the labour ward; being taken around and trying desperately to remember where everything is because come tomorrow someone is going to tell me to fetch something and I will have no recollection of what that is supposed to look like, let alone where it's kept. We walked past the staff tea room and as my friend accurately described, the midwives looked like they wanted to eat us for breakfast. We were taken to the room where the mops and buckets were -- being the lowest of the low in the labour ward hierarchy, it is expected of us to mop anything that spills onto the floor. There was nothing in the room but it smelt awful. Ominously awful.

Of the things I fear the most about tomorrow, I think being yelled at by the midwives comes at the top of the list. I've heard all the stories about how scary they can be. Apparently I need to make a really good first impression because it will set the tone for the way they treat me for these next 8 weeks. Hence the apprehension about tomorrow.

Number two would be the sleep deprivation. I've never actually stayed up for that long before. I wonder what I will be like by Wednesday. My friend doing the shift with me and I have already packed "midnight snacks" for tomorrow in anticipation -- cup-a-soup, cup noodles, coffee (lots and lots and lots)... I heard that if they are nice they might let you go after 12 hours... oh man I hope I get a nice midwife. Definitely not the one who scrowled at us in the tea room.

Number three would be the boredom. I'm not very good with sitting around and waiting. This is the ultimate sitting around and waiting. And as the peachy keen trying-to-make-a-good-impression medical student, I can't just lounge around watching TV or reading some old ratty magazine (unlike the dads). Looking like you're doing something when there is nothing to do is one of the most painful things to achieve. I think that's why I quit my job at a certain clothing store way back when.

Number four would be the grossness of it all. I've always admired nurses because they do what I don't think I can do. And now there is no escape for me. You know since I've started medicine I've never actually seen anyone throw up. Doctors are very good at avoiding things like that. Maybe this is why the midwives force us to clean -- it's punishment for running away from it in all the other wards; and now we are in their domain, we are at their mercy (because we need their signatures to pass the term). Damnit.

Each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow probably has enough trouble to last me the week. Maybe the month.

I hope the midwives don't hate me. But tomorrow will worry about itself, so no more thinking.

Consider the lilies of the field...

posted by me. @ 6:10 PM 0 comments