Human physiology, lesson #138.
Crying is akin to vomiting.
The urge to do it is the worst feeling in the world. A vicelike grip on your inner core, it infiltrates your every thought. Every breath is a struggle, a deep suction of air to still your fluttering heart. You feel sick. You feel so disgustingly sick that you don't care what people will think anymore, you just want to go ahead and do it, because anything is better than this nauseating sensation deepseated somewhere between your heart and your stomach.
And so you try. My gosh you try.
But alas, modern life has trained us so well to keep things in for etiquette's sake that every inhibitive mechanism has kicked in automatically, efficiently, and far too successfully. So this standoff begins. You are fine and dying all at once. You have two choices - live with the illness and hope it will pass, or force yourself with every ounce of human will to exorcise it, for you know it is the only remedy, the only true catharsis.
If feeling like you want to cry/vomit is the worst thing in the world, then surely trying to cry/vomit is the hardest thing in the world.
But once you have initiated that first drop, it is done. The rest follows effortlessly. You feel a warm tingle flush your face as the nausea subsides like water gurgling down the drain. Exhausted, depleted of every joule of energy, messy and devoured, but feeling
so much better.
Although crying/vomiting is a natural thing (in that it is a feature of human function), it must also be an unnatural thing, for the sight of it in another human being invokes an innate and terrible panic in us. Something is wrong!, cry our first instinct. Instantly, our desire is to flee this awkward situation. But it is at times like these that we find true friends. They are the ones who deny their discomfort and stick around, pat your back while you let it out, brush the hair from your face and say soothingly, "There, there". They are the ones who, after the event, look at the mess that you now are, and smile at you, whispering, "Do you feel better now?"
You nod. You do, but you do so much more because they are there with you.
The end.
The Mirror of Erised.
"Yes and no", said Dumbledore quietly. "It shows us nothing more or less than the deepset, most desperate desires of our hearts. You, who have never known your family, see them standing around you. Ronald Weasley, who has always been overshadowed by his brothers, sees himself standing alone, the best of all of them. However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.
"The Mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow, Harry, and I ask you not to go looking for it again. If you ever
do run across it, you will now be prepared. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that. Now what don't you put that admirable cloak back on and get off to bed?"
- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, by J.K. Rowling
Candid speak.
My mind's been thinking lots about the rest of this year. It's starting to dawn on me that I'll be flying in about 10 weeks time. It's the longest time I've ever been away and it's the first time I'll be in Europe and Japan. Occasionally I get really annoyed at all the logistic/organisation things that has to be done between now and then, but I hope once that's all done, it'll be all smooth sailing. I've wanted to go to Europe all my life. Even now when I look in the travel section of the SMH I get really excited thinking about how that's going to be me that'll be there in 2 months' time. Especially Italy. Florence, Venice, Pisa, Sienna... even Rome. It's such a beautiful place, the architecture is so magnificent, the food, the art... I'm really looking forward to my four weeks in London too. It's funny how life has worked out; despite the melodramas, God's been so provident in finding me a really great place to live. It's a Christian hostel and I'm only paying about 12 pounds a night, which is so fantastic (the YHA charges 20 pounds a night in a 10 bed share; here I'm sharing with just one other girl). I'm really excited about living there, cos I think the place is a sort of ministry - it takes in people and hopes to evangelise to some of these people that they're taking in. It's a really neat idea and hopefully I'll get to have some good conversations there. I don't really get to hang out with med people too much, so it'll be cool to spend four weeks with them. There are so many galleries and museums and things I want to hit; especially the Tate. And of course, being me, I want to go on the London Eye (haha).I'm currently in negotiations with James about what to do for our last four days in Europe. In three days time I'm making my pitch to him about Paris, and he's making his pitch to me about Prague. I'll keep you posted about who wins.And then there's Japan. I don't really know what to expect, but increasingly I'm developing a growing fascination with their culture. Their art is really very beautiful... it's very exquisite and delicate, very neat. Hahaha and then there's Jap food. It'll be awesome meeting up with you guys at the fish market too; I really like the idea of meeting up somewhere half way across the world - even though we see each other like, every other week. But one of the biggest perks of the trip is going back to HK. I have such a soft spot for that place. Getting all nostalgic over childhood confectionery, seeing my relos, getting used to the HK way of things, eating cheap food along the streets, shopping, talking to random ex-pat people also using the Pacific cafe as a hub for free net access... Before now and then, I'm really looking forward to my rural stint in Muswellbrook. Springtime in Upper Hunter, I can't think of a better holiday. A bunch of people I met from psych are coming up on the weekend and we're going to do the whole wine and cheese thing. That's another thing that I've been so thankful of this year... meeting lots of different people (from being forced to rotate once every 10 weeks) who have all turned out to be really awesome company. But I'll post about that maybe another day, otherwise I'm going to get off on a tangent.And when I come back from holidaying, I'm really looking forward to mission. I'm going to Cowra for 10 days, and where I'll be doing my bit in talking to the people there about God. I've never gone on mission before, and I don't really know what to expect. But I'm really psyched about it - I've never been very good at talking to strangers about God, and I really hope to learn lots while I'm there. But the most immediate thing I'm looking forward to is the usual reason why August is always my favourite month of the year. Haven't had a dress up occasion is sooo long, not since the last of the 21st went by us. I don't really care too much for birthdays, the only thing that I really do like is the excuse to call all you people out and eat til we're rolling home.This is a rather LG moment, for life is good! I am so thankful for every single opportunity He's given me so far, and I just can't wait. It's all kinda surreal actually.Spring/summer 2005, here I come...
Envy: a definition.
Over drinks last night.
"So what are your plans these holidays?"
"Hahaha... well, I've got 42 things on my to-do list that I have to get done this week."
"42 things? I can't think of 42 things to do for the rest of the year!"
But hey as of right now there are only 37 things.
Anyway enough time wasting... maybe when I'm done with everything (or when I just feel like procrastinating) I'll write a post. I feel like writing...
Script in sweaty hands.
All the world is a stage, and everyone has their part..."Hello my name is Grace and I'm a fifth year medical student. Thankyou for taking the time to talk to me, I really do appreciate it.
(pause, cue for smile and eye contact)
Let me explain a bit about what's going to happen. Basically I'll be asking you a few questions in order to allow me to understand a little bit about yourself and why you've come into hospital today. There are a lot of things we have to cover, so if I interrupt you at any point I do apologise in advance. If you feel that it's important to talk about something, we can always go back at the end if you wish..."
No not quite right. Try again, this time with more feeling. More empathy.
"Good morning, my name is Grace and..."
Curtain rises 9am Thursday. Let the show begin.
