The C word.
COMMITMENT: The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family. [www.dictionary.com]I've not been blogging lately because of workload etc, but this is something that's been gnawing at my mind for a while. I guess last night was a poignant trigger to the thoughts below. A friend of mine announced last night that he just broke up with his girlfriend. Now, prior to this, I had always thought he was a really sweet and caring bf, wanting to do stuff with her, take her to places, call her up often, etc. What struck me was how ok he was. He was so casual in mentioning it, and said that "yeah, things were just getting a little serious". There was so little attachment, and it was so easy for him to just let go.
Now to be fair, certainly he may be aching inside, he just didn't confide in me and guys don't talk about feelings much. Still, the whole incident really got to me. As he was shrugging his shoulders saying, "yeah it was good, but oh well", I was imagining his gf right now, at home, crying her eyes out. Not thinking straight. Not knowing what the hell happened that suddenly he feels it's all too much.
"First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool but you just run to hide, and I can't abide"
- Fiona Apple in Sleep to Dream (from the album Tidal)
What really twists my logic into a knot is how guys want gfs but without 'too much commitment'. To me that is the single strangest paradox I know. If you were emotionally bound to the person (see definition above), ie you truly loved them, then commitment should come naturally, out of will, right? Then why does being with that other person seem like a chore, or worse, like imprisonment? Why is commitment a dirty C word to guys, rather than an admirable attribute of a meaningful relationship?
"The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment" - Joshua Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye
People (not just guys, but moreso) seem to want the closeness of having someone to call at night, sweet talk, cuddle, etc, without wanting to say that they will be still be there when times get tough. Sure bring on the intimacy, but when it comes to commitment? No, I'm too young for that. Josh Harris makes the point that intimacy is the icing, commitment is the cake. And lots of ppl just want to lick off the icing, without the hard work of baking a cake.
So much taking, so little giving. 'Now let's not get too serious here'.
I don't bear a grudge or negative feelings towards my friend because of his actions. I am only too aware that he represents a great number of guys out there who feel the same. But what gets me is that for every guy who is like this, there is a broken hearted girl who feels like she got the carpet pulled from under her feet. Who believed the guy when he said things like he loved her, wants to be with her forever, and all the other things ppl say when they are 'caught in the moment'. And the girl believes, even though the guy hasn't asked himself if he could really deliver when it comes to crunch time. All icing, no cake.
This is probably the most emotionally-charged post I've written so far. I would love for someone to prove me wrong. Nothing would make me happier.
posted by me. @ 8:56 AM
1 Comments:
As one of those gf's who has just had the carpet pulled from under their feet, aching from deception and heartbrake, I have only one thing to say, as Marie Antoinette would have said: GIVE THEM CAKE! Make them eat it till they throw up, tie them to a chair and feed them cake... for ever and ever,
Amen
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