exercising my literacy

If you have nothing nice to say...

A little antedotal sharing of two recent encounters.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine calls me up and says if we could chat. It turns out that I had inadvertently said something to him earlier that day which deeply upsetted him. What deeply freaked me out was the fact that he sounded like he was crying. And what I'd said to him, I say all the time to lots of people.

This week, I was the crier. One of the consultants told me off, which isn't that unusual, but the way he did it... I felt so intimidated and humiliated, it was like being dragged into the principal's office. What's worse was that it felt so unfair because I had no control over what he was yelling at me for. When I left his rooms I just lost it. You know sometimes you really don't want to cry but tears come up anyway? Well it was like that. I got so angry at myself, for "admitting defeat" in letting him get to me when I knew I didn't do anything wrong.

But as I was walking back to the hospital, I was thinking, I'll bet that as soon as I left his rooms, what he said to me would totally escape his mind. Meanwhile, I thought and re-thought about the incident for the rest of the day. When I get told off or criticised, usually the words stay with me for a long time -- I keep thinking about the validity of their accusations, and feel really bad for being in trouble, etc.

But how easily we dish out harmful words. I thought back to the incident I mentioned before with my friend -- when he called I didn't even remember what I said to him that was so terrible, he had to retell the whole story before I even had any recollection of it happening. But it affected him so much. All I could do was to apologise profusely and assert that I really didn't mean it in that way, that it was all supposed to be in jest.

I really need to learn to be careful with my words, because I never know how much someone may take my careless words to heart. Jokes, digs at each other, negative comments, accusations and criticisms, bitching and complaining. And on the flipside, I need to learn to be more thick-skinned, and to realise that sometimes people don't realise the potency or impact of their words. To not let what they say shake me up.

Some days I just wish I stayed in bed.

posted by me. @ 11:41 PM