Shadowboxing.
Last night at bible study we did this exercise where we identify each other's strengths or gifts for ministry. Most of the responses from people were something along the lines of assertiveness, speaking my mind, leadership etc. Ironic then, that I consider that one of my greatest flaws, one of the biggest detriment to my serving.Sometimes I really feel like I am shadowboxing, fighting something I can't get rid of. To me, being assertive is ugly. To assert yourself is to make your stand, say what *you* think like it's so damn important and worthy of recognition, it's dominating... it's just yuck. Leadership is even more confusing -- I despise being in charge of anything, because everytime that I am I come across criticism and people grumbling. And then there's that whole bossing everyone around thing.
The weird thing is that I admire leaders. I think they do a great job. But I just don't want to be seen as one, because it means that people see character traits in me that I would rather not have. I would love to be that person who can sit through a whole debate silently, listening to what people are saying. I would love to be the person who people say is a great listener, someone who will always hear them out. Not someone who always has something to say. I would love for my list of 'gifts for ministry' to have things like compassion, care for others, patience, sisterly love. That would be what I am remembered for, not my leadership.
And so I continue to fight my shadow. And I'm getting really tired.
posted by me. @ 10:10 AM
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