The vilest word.
The vilest word in my vocabulary is 'hypocrite'. To say (and condemn others of not doing) one thing only to go and do another. It is better to never have made such a stance or judgement than to have done so, on some moralistic high horse, only to turn around and commit that exact same action.My superego is ripping me into shreds right now because lately I question whether I did something contrary to my own words. And I feel pretty crook about it.
I will freely admit, the current incident is a rather trivial thing. That's why I'm blogging about it rather than talking over it with people, because I know what they will say already. That I'm simply being unreasonable in having such high expectations of anyone, including myself. I pitched the post too high, I'm just being pedantic. Or, well it's very different when you're actually in the situation, life isn't idealistic. But despite all this, and how seemingly unimportant the thing I'm fretting about is, it's very hard to convince myself I'm not wrong when I feel it.
The very point of setting standards is so that when the critical moment comes, in your apparent weakness and wavering, you will be able to remember your principles and abide by them. If not then these codes are nothing but an intellectual daydream which never leaves the pages of theory. Moreover, forgoing your ideals isn't just a matter of complacency -- the catastrophic consequence of flying in the face of one's own standards is the corrosion of the most beautiful word in my vocabulary -- 'integrity'. And even if no one else knows what the hell I'm talking about and think I'm creating a storm in a teacup, I still don't feel any better.
Because I have dropped a few more rungs in my own eyes.
posted by me. @ 2:31 PM
4 Comments:
there seems to be a contradiction here: the incident is trivial yet your superego is punishing you for it. it's seemingly unimportant yet it has moved you drop a few rungs.
be unreasonable! have high expectations! be pedantic! be idealistic! be who you are.
but in saying that - you can and will (somehow) resolve the conflict within yourself. good luck :)
is hypocriticism yet another form of the double standards that are required to survive in the real world today?
i believe it is too harsh to say that you have compromised your integrity because you have in one incident, been trivially hypocritical. we all make mistakes, what is important is that we recognise and acknowledge them - that is what sets you apart and ensures that you have not yet compromised anything for it.
RE: Anonymous #2
Hey there, thanks for leaving a comment. I've been sitting here thinking really hard and I cannot think of one instance in which hypocrisy is used as a survival mechanism in the world, however double standard this world might be. If you could come up with an example to illustrate this that would greatly help me out.
I agree that people all make mistakes -- I'm not expecting myself to be a saint by any means. But hypocrisy is more than just making a mistake -- it's to strongly stand on an opinion, to let others know of your stance, to silently/outwardly criticise others of not having the same principles, and *then* to go and do the same thing yourself. Like I was saying to my friend the other day, at the heart of hypocrisy is a lack of compassion. That's why I feel so bad; yes the matter is trivial but what it unveils underneath is far more implicating. Perhaps I am indulging in excessive self-scrutiny -- but I'd rather be accused of that than under-scrutiny. Or worse, hypocrisy.
"the unexamined life..."
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