Crossroads.
These last two weeks have provided me ample opportunity to think about a particular Big Thing In Life. I suppose it's always been at the back of my mind, and every now and then it's something that I chat over with friends. But current circumstances have certainly pushed the issue closer to the forefront of my thoughts. And despite all this thinking, I think I'm still at square one.
So what is this Big Thing? Well, it's about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
One of the most frequently asked questions that I get from people is what specialty I want to get into. When I started medicine, I wanted to be a paediatrician. The reason is simple -- I love kids. And I've been looking forward to doing 5th year medicine for so long, for the sole purpose of being able to do my paeds term.
And you know what, I love it. It's probably a little early to say, but I think it's in the running for the best term I've had since I started clinical medicine.
So then, why am I so confused and thinking so much? You like paeds, so do it! Problem solved, no?
Well, this is the hard part.
I've always known that I want to have kids and be a mum who's there... not just at 6pm when I pick them up from day care; the mum who helps them with their homework, who helps out at the school canteen, who will come to the school plays that my kids are in (haha don't you dare go and psychoanalyse me and my childhood experiences). Doing this paeds term has firmly reinforced that wish (yes yes it's the cluckiness).
But I don't know if I can do all that and still get through the path of specialisation. The paediatric registrars work a 12 hour shift, either 8am-8pm or 8pm-8am. Not exactly kids friendly. Then there are the exams; the paeds reg was saying that in the year before his exam he didn't go out at all -- and he doesn't have any kids already! If the exam requires that much attention and time, I can't imagine how it will be possible with small children around, needing to be fed, bathed, tucked in etc etc. What about delaying motherhood then? But I want to have more than just the token only child -- and I don't want to have children that late, for a myriad of reasons.
So the question is, do I want to treat other people's kids, or do I want to bring up my own?
The flipside presents other miscellaneous issues. If I were a full time housewife, there would be probably a money issue. If I were a GP part time, there would be that whole me and my stupid pride issue -- I hate the label of being "just a GP", especially when I reckon that I could pass the specialist exams if I really put my mind to it (as arrogant as that sounds). And general practice isn't as academically interesting as paediatrics, to me anyway.
I still have time to think about it... until resident year, to be exact. It's so hard because I have no idea what motherhood is like, and I have no idea what being a paeds reg is like. I mean, I can infer what it might be like, but right now I'm still looking from the outside. So it's hard to make that choice when I don't really know what I'm choosing between. There is one that I'm leaning towards though...
Choices, choices...
Feeling a lil marooned...
Although I've spent more nights away than at home these last two weeks, so far I've only spent one night living away from home in the true sense of the word. Meaning that I'm living on my own, cooking my own meals, needing to take care of everything myself. And one night has been enough for me to figure out that I don't really like it. Don't call me a baby just yet, but living on my own is really hard. It's not the taking care of myself that gets to me, it's the fact that I'm all by myself.
Until that night, I never realised how much incidental conversation I have with my family when I get home. Or how much conversation I have with friends on the phone or the net (there's no phone line and no net access). I was so unused to not uttering a single word from the time I went home at 2pm til when I finally couldn't stand it anymore and called a friend on my mobile at 9. I can't remember the last time I didn't speak at all for 7 hours straight. Oh man how good it felt to finally talk to someone.
If I didn't have an after-hours roster, I'd actually drive 2 hours each way every day just to avoid the isolation. And I'm going to keep at it cos, well, it's only for a few weeks. I know it'll be over soon.
But, it made me think about people who have to live like this all the time.
Like the registrar that's on my team -- she has to live down here for the year. What's worse is that her husband and her child is up in Sydney, so she only gets to see her baby on the weekends. But at least for her it's only for the year; and she still speaks to her husband every night on the pay phone downstairs out in the corridor.
But what about people who perpetually live alone? Who aren't just geographically alone, but who have no one to call even when they can't stand the loneliness anymore? People in nursing homes. Homeless people. Or people who just have no friends.
I just spent a weekend up at Katoomba learning about relationships. The existence of such an event, and the presence of 3000 attendees implied that all these people all had a constellation of different relationships in which they wanted to get God's guidance on. So often we just assume that people have a rich social network that we forget that some people don't have such a luxury, and that we take our family and friends for granted so so much.
We are so so blessed to have the people around us. But I don't want you to finish reading this just feeling all warm and fuzzy or whatever. Don't just spare a thought for people like that. Think of someone you know who might be in a situation like this and call them. Write them an email or even a letter, the old-fashioned way with an envelope and stamp. I know it's weird to talk to people that you're not close with -- I find it hard to just go up to new people and talk to them, especially since I hate awkward superficial conversation. But you never know how much of an impact your effort will have on them. How much it might just make their day, just like the way Jan made my day when we caught up on the phone on Thursday night.
Oh, and one last thing. Thankyou for being my friend. To know I have you there to hear me out when I need, is something that I'm truly thankful of, and I appreciate more than words can say. Hahaha and if you get a call from me these next few weeks, you'll know why...
Just out of interest...
1. When I have a kid, I have to stop speaking in Chinglish because it confuses the child and hinders its language development (and he'll speak Chinglish at school haha). If however I teach him two languages, but speaking them only one at a time, he will be smart enough to know that they are two separate languages and not get them muddled (unlike me).
2. If you keep switching between breastmilk and formula for your baby, you increase its chances of developing lactose intolerance (if you're really curious come and ask me how that happens). Oh and don't ever feed a newborn cow's milk cos it'll make him really sick.
3. It's better to circumcise a baby after they've moved out of nappies so that the healing boy part isn't soaking in, well, what nappies are usually soaked with.
4. When babies breathe quickly their head bobs up and down, so it's heaps easy to count their respiratory rate.
5. People shouldn't have children with their first cousins.
6. Kids who snore are dumber. Medical students who snore have a greater tendency to fail their exams.
7. If you have bad posture, try hamstring stretches. Apparently hamstring tightness can be responsible for lumbar lordosis (ie your tum sticking out like a pregnant woman), which in turn causes thoracic kyphosis (ie hunchback) in order to maintain centre of gravity.
8. Paeds is unleashing my clucky side.
Oh! And one last thing. On Nova the other day it said that there are ten 3-letter-word body parts in the human. I can only come up with 8! Can anyone come up with all 10?
Piecemeal post before parting.
(hahaha I talk in alliteration so much I'm starting to sound like a gimmick)
This is probably the last post I'll get to write for a while, since I'll be away for the next 5 weeks or so, aside from coming back during the weekends -- so if you wanna meet up you know when to call =)
But yeah, a few miscellaneous things I just wanna mention -- probably accurately reflecting the chaotic splatter of tangles that are "my thoughts". So here they are, in no particular order...
1) "Auld Lang Syne..."
Hope everyone had a good New Year's! I had an amazing NYE -- the best one in recent memory. We went to this carnival by the beach, doing silly stuff like dodgem cars and the ferris wheel. Good old childish fun. Then we went down to the beach for the countdown, catching a glimpse of the city fireworks. I'm sure they would have been much prettier if I were actually in the city, but not for a moment did I wish I were anywhere except exactly where I was, sand between my toes, seabreeze against my cheek. Afterwards we hung out at a 24hr Maccas (new record for resolution breaking: 45 minutes... oh but the chocolate sundae was totally worth it). The whole night was so daggy, and I loved every bit of it.
I can only hope the rest of the year will be as wonderful.
2) "He's Just Not That Into You -- the No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys"
Suddenly everyone's talking about this book -- it's the new 'dating bible'. I find the underlying insinuation made about women in this book kinda scary -- it makes women sound really obsessive-compulsive, thinking up a million reasons why they didn't call, fretting and worrying, panicking and going paranoid. So really this isn't a book about understanding guys, it's a book about understanding girls -- this book speaks volumes about girls' insecurity and their actions consequential to that than anything else.
Hey boys: what do you reckon? I'd love to know your thoughts on this.
3) "Class -- or lack thereof"
"Class" was the song that they cut out of Chicago the movie. What a good song. There just ain't no class anymore. There was this article in the SMH about lateness. Tardiness is so rude! I completely agree with the article that it conveys a lack of respect for who you're supposed to meet with. If you had a meeting with Brad Pitt you wouldn't be late. They raised an interesting point, about what lateness says about your own personality -- it's well known that people are "fashionably" late because they feel an overstated sense of self-importance, that they can get away with it. But on the flip side, people who are never late feel that they can't be late because people won't wait for them -- a reflection of their low self-esteem and insecurity. Well that's what the article says. Makes me think, hey is that me? Cos I hate making people wait, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Haha the minefield that is introspection.
And today there was an article about people breaking up on SMS. There really is no class in the world.
4) "I wish I were that smart..."
As you probably know, I'm really drawn to intelligent people. Not just people who do well at uni or know a lot of trivia -- I mean people whose ability to reason and tease out a concept in such a way as to blow my mind. I felt that way reading Borges in year 12, turning every page and being amazed at his exceptional intelligence. And lately I feel this same vibe again, reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. It's a book which makes the case for Christianity -- to quote the back of the book: "C.S. Lewis is the ideal persuader for the half-convinced, for the good man who would like to be a Christian but finds his intellect getting in the way". Oh I wish everyone would read that book, or at least the first 32 pages of it. He has an awesome ability to explain something frustratingly complex via simple straightforward analogies... damn I wish I were that smart. But yes! Go get the book! Or at least lounge around Borders to read the beginning and see if it takes your fancy.
There's more in my head but this post is starting to get long so I'll just leave you with that. If something is really pressing I'm sure I'll make my way to a computer. Apologies for the mediocrity of this post. Now go out and enjoy the sun! Summer's nearly over!
Haircut.
She sits still under the red nylon poncho, staring into the mirror in front of her, watching strands of black slide down the poncho onto the white tile floor. The hairdresser darts about, to her left, to her right, snipping off pieces of hair that she randomly picks up. She wonders if the lady knows what she is doing. But hey, she thinks to herself, I don’t know what I’m doing here either, so I can’t judge.
She can see through the mirror that the hairdresser is cutting off more hair than she wants, but she says nothing. She knows that she will regret doing this tomorrow morning when her hair is too short to be tied up and funny pieces will refuse to be tamed. The woman looks into the mirror at her face for a look of approval, and she responds with a smile of resignation. Had the woman shaved her bald, she would still have done the same – such is her weariness; she is too tired to object.
A thought occurs to her – like strength was to Samson’s hair, so her girliness is to hers, now floating down her poncho like snowflakes. She estimates, given how short the hairdresser has cut it, that it would start to look decent in March. Maybe April.
But she likes watching the pieces of hair fall down at her feet. It feels... liberating.
Gaze upon His beauty.
One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
-Psalms 27:4-5,7-8,13-14.
