exercising my literacy

Crossroads.

These last two weeks have provided me ample opportunity to think about a particular Big Thing In Life. I suppose it's always been at the back of my mind, and every now and then it's something that I chat over with friends. But current circumstances have certainly pushed the issue closer to the forefront of my thoughts. And despite all this thinking, I think I'm still at square one.

So what is this Big Thing? Well, it's about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

One of the most frequently asked questions that I get from people is what specialty I want to get into. When I started medicine, I wanted to be a paediatrician. The reason is simple -- I love kids. And I've been looking forward to doing 5th year medicine for so long, for the sole purpose of being able to do my paeds term.

And you know what, I love it. It's probably a little early to say, but I think it's in the running for the best term I've had since I started clinical medicine.

So then, why am I so confused and thinking so much? You like paeds, so do it! Problem solved, no?

Well, this is the hard part.

I've always known that I want to have kids and be a mum who's there... not just at 6pm when I pick them up from day care; the mum who helps them with their homework, who helps out at the school canteen, who will come to the school plays that my kids are in (haha don't you dare go and psychoanalyse me and my childhood experiences). Doing this paeds term has firmly reinforced that wish (yes yes it's the cluckiness).

But I don't know if I can do all that and still get through the path of specialisation. The paediatric registrars work a 12 hour shift, either 8am-8pm or 8pm-8am. Not exactly kids friendly. Then there are the exams; the paeds reg was saying that in the year before his exam he didn't go out at all -- and he doesn't have any kids already! If the exam requires that much attention and time, I can't imagine how it will be possible with small children around, needing to be fed, bathed, tucked in etc etc. What about delaying motherhood then? But I want to have more than just the token only child -- and I don't want to have children that late, for a myriad of reasons.

So the question is, do I want to treat other people's kids, or do I want to bring up my own?

The flipside presents other miscellaneous issues. If I were a full time housewife, there would be probably a money issue. If I were a GP part time, there would be that whole me and my stupid pride issue -- I hate the label of being "just a GP", especially when I reckon that I could pass the specialist exams if I really put my mind to it (as arrogant as that sounds). And general practice isn't as academically interesting as paediatrics, to me anyway.

I still have time to think about it... until resident year, to be exact. It's so hard because I have no idea what motherhood is like, and I have no idea what being a paeds reg is like. I mean, I can infer what it might be like, but right now I'm still looking from the outside. So it's hard to make that choice when I don't really know what I'm choosing between. There is one that I'm leaning towards though...

Choices, choices...

posted by me. @ 4:15 PM