Friday, December 24, 2004

The final post for the year (I promise).

Everyone go read this article.

Two thousand and four years ago, God sent Jesus, His Son down to this earth. In coming down he lost all his glory and became nothing, just like other men. Why? So that he may die instead of us. Eternal death is the price of disobedience towards God -- we deserve that because we sin. Jesus came to earth to die in our place, pay our price. He rose from hell three days later because death could not hold him down, that is the power of God. Our lives are now 'all expenses paid'. Eternal life awaits. We just need to take him up on the offer.

Will you?

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The essay I should have written in year 11.

I feel as though I have no choice but to post because the article that I read this morning invoked in me a primal instinct to shred the paper into tiny pieces and revel in the sound of its destruction. Alas my blog is turning into a mere Reader Response column for the SMH but we shall persevere because I cannot let this one go.

Read the article here.

It is no secret that I despise the book ‘Catcher in the Rye’. I had the same ‘argh! I want to rip this book apart!’ feeling when I read it in year 11 – in fact I remember throwing the book across the room in sheer frustration (being forced to read a book was never fun). When I have discussions with my guy friends (who all seem to relate all too well to its protagonist Holden Caulfield, a phenomenon which does little to restore my faith in that gender), I can never competently articulate why I loathe it so much. Perhaps it’s because it’s been 6 years since I’ve read it. But this article makes me remember again. So boys, this is my argument – I look forward to your rebuttals.

The article is a 41 year old man’s perspective on life, love and sex. In the article he argues that brothels are the way to go, and that people are fooling themselves in attempting to squeeze into the unnatural convention of monogamy. This guy is Holden Caulfield at 41, if Salinger were ever to write a sequel.

"The great thing about sex with whores is the excitement and variety. If you say you’re enjoying sex with the same person after a couple of years you’re either a liar or you’re on something. Of all the sexual perversions, monogamy is the most unnatural… Love [is] the delusion that one woman differs from another."

Like Holden Caulfield, he speaks with high-horse ambience about how the world ‘should’ work, as though he were one ordained with superior knowledge about the human condition. The persistently arrogant tone attempts to feign a pseudo-authority that he, unlike other less-informed men out there, is one who can see beyond social convention. He ‘knows better’, and he doesn’t bother with humility in preaching this ‘greater truth’ to us, the lesser-minded, who may never understand.

What the writer does not realise is that in his advocation of ideas, he induces not the sympathy to his argument that he was hoping for, but mere pity to his inability to understand meaningful relationships. It is glaringly obvious to the reader that the problem isn’t with monogamy itself, but his immaturity and fear of relationships – a fear of being emotionally vulnerable to another person. "The problem with normal sex is that it leads to kissing and pretty soon you’ve got to talk to them. Once you know someone well, the last thing you want to do is screw them." Instead he attempts to hold the power in a sexual relationship by being the payer – "I love using money to buy the personal act of intimacy… to fall into a woman’s arms without falling into her hands."

He sees intimacy with women as an " invasion of my innermost space, the slow strangulation of my art." More than just being intrusive, women are perceived as castrators, cutting off male freedom and chaining them into a life of monogamy. "When I love somebody, I feel trapped."

Holden Caulfield perceived himself a sort of ‘last great innocent’ who saw the through the world’s ‘phoniness’. His manifesto came down to a gross oversimplification, which was both testament to his immaturity and proved his ultimate downfall as he loses his mind in despair. The generalisation is that, in contrast to childhood, which is pure and all-good, adulthood is corrupt and all-evil. Male-female relationships fall into the second category and are immediately treated with distrust and disdain. His dismissal of monogamy through intellectual banter is a thinly veiled mask to cover his juvenile fear of the opposite sex – or rather adult relationships of any kind requiring mature characteristics such as commitment, perseverance, forgiveness and compromise.

Critics often idealise Holden Caulfield as a pure soul tainted by the dirt of this world. To some extent I agree with his viewpoint that the world is phony in some ways – but his response to this, to cop out rather than to cope, screams dysfunction and immaturity. This 41 year old guy copped out. He didn’t know how to deal with emotional complexity, and rather than learning, he quit. Maybe because he didn’t know how to appreciate the abundant rewards of monogamy – the perceived costs blinded him from seeing the beauty of meaningful relationships.

Holden Caulfield wasn’t a martyr – he was just a kid. Which is okay if you’re a teenager and you grow out of it. Reading this article about this 41 year old guy still stuck in such a mentality – the thought that men can reside in such arrested development for life – is why I want to rip this paper into shreds. Because his way of life is not harmless – he fuels a debasing industry which exploits women of low socioeconomic status, low self-esteem and prior sexual abuse (fact: 67% of prostitutes have a history of sexual abuse in childhood). Holden Caulfield idealism is just as dark and corrupt as the things he tried to rebel against.

This is the crux of my argument – Holden Caulfield is not the quintessential male, to be glorified and immortalised. He is a warning sign to society, of men denying rather than dealing with adulthood, whose failure to adjust leads them to a life of meaningless cynicism. ‘Catcher in the Rye’ should serve not as laureateship for maleness, but as a wakeup call to the boys who read it, lest they end up like Holden Caulfield, broken and emotionally defunct. Lest they end up as 41 year old guys heralding prostitutes as the answer to life.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Holiday entertainment.

(I know I said I wouldn't post anymore for the year but this is, to pardon the pun, just *precious*)

For you Lord of the Rings/Med geeks out there.

From this article I've learnt that:

1. It's not that hard to get published in the British Medical Journal (only one of the most prestigious and authoritative medical journals in the world) after all.

2. I should have applied to Royal Free/UC in London instead, their curriculum sounds way more interesting.

3. It is impossible to resist the desire to diagnose everyone and everything around you... this latest exercise adds to the growing list of people in history with inferred diagnoses... e.g.

i) Goliath had a pituitary adenoma (brain tumour), which manifests as gigantism (big size) and bitemporal hemianopia (the tumour presses on nerves connecting the eye to the brain, so that he has reduced peripheral vision). This visual impairment allowed David (12 year old shepherd) to sneak up from the side and kill him. David's hypothesised attack from the side is supported by the fact that the only feasible place for a small stone to kill a big skull like Goliath's is if David hit him in the pterion (a weak spot on the side of the skull), to which the middle meningial artery lies. Rupture of this artery produces an extradural haemorrhage sufficient to kill him.

ii) Contrary to a recent Schweppes ad suggesting that Monet painted everything in a hazy red hue because he was looking through a glass of the company's soft drink, it was actually because he was suffering from macular degeneration. One can cynically argue, therefore, that the artistic period of Impressionism was started by visual impairment rather than a deliberate aim to create a new genre.

4. Med people have the nerdiest sense of humour... while we're laughing at the article, other people are probably laughing at us... hahaha oh well, y'all just jealous, I know it.... hahahaha.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Growing pains.

I'm going to make this last post for the year and then I'm off to enjoy the sunshine.

I've been wanting to make a post about this past year -- but I don't even know where to begin, as I honestly don't know if there are words enough to do justice to all that's happened in these past 365 days (well almost). I can say that I've had to do plenty of growing up this year -- I've never felt more adult in my life, and I haven't really figured out if that's a good thing or not yet. Perhaps this is the "real world" and I'm finally shedding my naive innocence like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon; or maybe I'm just becoming jaded, cynical and wary. Either way, I guess the "older and wiser" adage has rung very true for me this year.

Instead of dissecting everything that's happened (which will take forever and bore the hell out of everyone including me), I'm just going to share some things that I've learnt this year. If there's anything I still believe, it's that there is something to be learnt in everything, whether joyful, sorrowful, hurtful or blissful. The point in my life when I stop seeking the lesson in something, maybe that's when I've finally become too cynical for my own good.

"Stuff I've learnt this year..."

1. God is good.
I've been trying to think of a more eloquent way to phrase this but I think this, in its simplicity, is what I've learnt the most. He is merciful, He is forgiving, He is enduringly patient, quick to listen and slow to become angry. He is lovingly kind, providing me with countless blessings to get me by an otherwise daunting year. Little things like a pay rise at work to keep me there rather than giving up, big things like my parents praying with me when I broke into tears at the dinner table after my breakup. Girlfriends to pour out my soul to over copious cups of coffee, copious hours spent at the hospital cafeteria or Gloria Jeans down the road from church. Opening the bible and literally doing a double take and going, hey this is the exact answer to what I've been struggling with, being completely in awe, having nothing to say except to whisper, wow God, thankyou.

"...wow God... thankyou."


2. People are sinful... but hey so am I.
Particularly when I was little, I prized my friends above all else. If I do say so myself, I think I'm the loyal kind. I take it personally when other people hurt my friends. Especially if they violate the sisterhood (yes there is such a thing, and it's something I value highly). Stuff come and go, but girl friends are for life.

Or so I thought until this year.

This year's events has been a crucible, burning away people's surface politeness and revealing their true selves. And it's made me see how differently my values and some of my friends' values are. My naivety just assumed that everyone thought like I did, everyone saw right and wrong the way I do. Maybe "things are different when it's you in that position" (which could well be true but would scare the hell out of me if it were; refer to my post about hypocrisy). But it's really rocked my boat about how to stay friends with people with whom I clearly do not share the same moral principles.

To me, good friends are about common understanding (haha oh look all my previous posts are coming back to haunt me) -- so then, what if it turns out we have no such common understanding? What if we turn out to have diametrically opposed core values, and that your friend doesn't value friendship in the same way you do at all? People break up with boyfriends all the time; can people break up with friends? Is there a rule to say that friends have to be forever, just to respect the past x years of friendship? How do you still trust them to be your friend when you know they don't have the same respect for friendship as you? How do you put that all aside and still love them anyway?

These are questions I do not have the answer for. These are questions which still tear me up when I think hard about them, because it's stuff that I wish I did not have to think about. This stuff makes me wish I were in primary school again when you never doubted or second-guessed your friends. Because unquestionable trust isn't something I can afford to subscribe to anymore.


3. Relationships is a toxic substance which should come with a big fat warning label.
And if there were one, it could read something like this:

WARNING: Relationships are potentially hazardous to your mental, spiritual and psychosocial health. Emotional dependency on this drug is of insidious onset, to the detriment of the patient. The buzz of feeling loved is highly addictive; withdrawal is painful and incapacitates normal functioning life. Symptoms of relationship toxicity include anxiety, insomnia, change in eating habits (either excessive eating or anorexia), obsessive compulsive-like syndrome manifested in constant phone checking to see if he's called or messaged, repeated mental replays of conversations and fights, and an inability to concentrate on other responsibilities in life. Long term complications include neglect of other relationships (friends, family), taking God's grace for granted, and reduction of your life to the role of 'fretting girlfriend' and little else.

Wow, that was cynical, even for me.

Is there a way you can read the above without feeling the cynicism? Like, this is seriously, objectively what I think about relationships (haha "objectively what I think", what an oxymoron). I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm not angrily fuming whilst writing these words. But I am, with careful consideration, saying them anyway, because I believe they are true. When I was 16 I never realised how big and scary relationships and all its messiness really are. Maybe the label would not have served any purpose because until you live through it, you arrogantly think, nah that won't happen to me. My 16 year old self would be saying to me now, please, don't be so melodramatic. I'm not that weak, ok? A boy won't screw up my life. I'm on top of it all.

But yeah, that's the single biggest life lesson I've learnt to date. A big call but I think it's true. This stuff isn't to be meddled with lightly. Don't give my heart away to just anyone to "see if stuff will work out between us" when better judgment clearly says no. Bravado is waned after the heart is weakened. And I'll be damned if I end up a soppy mess of an emotionally corrupt girlfriend again, needing his validation to be 'ok', craving it like a junkie. Yuck.

It isn't that relationships should be avoided at all costs, but just that I should treat it with a fearful respect. Like a drug which may have life-saving therapeutic value, but is only of benefit if you do not abuse it. Careless doctors don't regard drugs seriously enough, and their patients often succumb to drug toxicity. Same with me, except the patient I'm in charge of is my own heart.


Woah, this post turned out long despite my intention to keep things short (haha no jibes about me being long-winded). But yeah, this was 2004. Let's see what the plot will be like in 2005. Will there be new characters coming into the show? Will there be conflicts between major players, run-ins, heartbreak, big surprises, shocking revelations? Stay tuned folks...

Wishing you all a Christmas with meaning and a New Year of joy.

All my love, Grace.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

An interesting exchange.

Tuesday, walking back to the car after lunch with Dad...

Me: So what was it about Mum that made you like her at the beginning?
Dad: I think it was her quietness... I think I always went for the quiet, polite girls.
Me: (laughs) You mean the kind of girl that's the exact opposite of me?
Dad: (laughs harder) ...actually, yeah.
Me: (in bemusement) How ironic that God gave you a daughter that turned out like me!

I wonder if Dad ever thought when he was going out with Mum that one day they'd have a loud, chatty daughter asking nosy questions about their courtship.

I wonder what kind of people my kids will grow up to be. I wonder if they'll ask me what I like about their dad. I wonder what I'll say (haha I wonder who he'll be! - but I digress). But I hope we'll be able to talk and laugh the way me and Dad do.

Friday, December 03, 2004

My wishlist.

People often have lists of what they want -- a wishlist if you will. Mostly they are filled with stuff they want. I have a wishlist too, but it's not of what things I want to buy or want people to buy for me. This is a wishlist of the characteristics that I most want to have, to develop and maturate. Just looking at the words used to describe them makes me go 'wow' under my breath. These are qualities that never cease to amaze me. People who possess them I never cease to admire.

So, here they are.

teachability
"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice...
He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded." Proverbs 13:10,13

humility
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Phil 2:3

consideration
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others." Philippians 2:4

self-scrutiny rather than judging others
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye', when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

self-control
"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray." 1 Peter 4:7

honesty
"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." Proverbs 24:26

Christlikeness
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and life a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2

And as with any wishlist, I'll add more when I think of one and go, 'wow'.


[addendum, Saturday 12.15pm]

Hahaha right after I posted this I remembered the one quality that kickstarted this list in my head in the first place. In my defense it was a few weeks ago and so much has been happening since then. But how Freudian that it be the one I should forget to write about.

helpfulness
"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." 1 Corinthians 8:9
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

What the *blog* are you talking about?

My friend and I were talking about blogs and their purposes and helpfulness. It got me thinking, really why the heck am I blogging? Why do I like doing it? Is it merely a podium to shine a spotlight on me? Is it helpful to anybody or does it hinder and potentially offend? Worst of all I have little way of gauging whether I am offending someone cos it's not likely that they will verbalise it to me.

Then I thought about Ps 19:14. I wrote this verse on the front on my diary way back when I first started writing in diaries, and it's come to be the verse I live by.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart
be pleasing in your sight, O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer."

I seek for nothing more and nothing less.


P.S. Oh and if for any reason something here has rubbed you off the wrong way, pls pls pls let me know. I won't take offense, I'll just be so glad to have it pointed out to me before it rubs off someone else.

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