Growing pains.
I'm going to make this last post for the year and then I'm off to enjoy the sunshine.I've been wanting to make a post about this past year -- but I don't even know where to begin, as I honestly don't know if there are words enough to do justice to all that's happened in these past 365 days (well almost). I can say that I've had to do plenty of growing up this year -- I've never felt more adult in my life, and I haven't really figured out if that's a good thing or not yet. Perhaps this is the "real world" and I'm finally shedding my naive innocence like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon; or maybe I'm just becoming jaded, cynical and wary. Either way, I guess the "older and wiser" adage has rung very true for me this year.
Instead of dissecting everything that's happened (which will take forever and bore the hell out of everyone including me), I'm just going to share some things that I've learnt this year. If there's anything I still believe, it's that there is something to be learnt in everything, whether joyful, sorrowful, hurtful or blissful. The point in my life when I stop seeking the lesson in something, maybe that's when I've finally become too cynical for my own good.
"Stuff I've learnt this year..."
1. God is good.
I've been trying to think of a more eloquent way to phrase this but I think this, in its simplicity, is what I've learnt the most. He is merciful, He is forgiving, He is enduringly patient, quick to listen and slow to become angry. He is lovingly kind, providing me with countless blessings to get me by an otherwise daunting year. Little things like a pay rise at work to keep me there rather than giving up, big things like my parents praying with me when I broke into tears at the dinner table after my breakup. Girlfriends to pour out my soul to over copious cups of coffee, copious hours spent at the hospital cafeteria or Gloria Jeans down the road from church. Opening the bible and literally doing a double take and going, hey this is the exact answer to what I've been struggling with, being completely in awe, having nothing to say except to whisper, wow God, thankyou.
"...wow God... thankyou."
2. People are sinful... but hey so am I.
Particularly when I was little, I prized my friends above all else. If I do say so myself, I think I'm the loyal kind. I take it personally when other people hurt my friends. Especially if they violate the sisterhood (yes there is such a thing, and it's something I value highly). Stuff come and go, but girl friends are for life.
Or so I thought until this year.
This year's events has been a crucible, burning away people's surface politeness and revealing their true selves. And it's made me see how differently my values and some of my friends' values are. My naivety just assumed that everyone thought like I did, everyone saw right and wrong the way I do. Maybe "things are different when it's you in that position" (which could well be true but would scare the hell out of me if it were; refer to my post about hypocrisy). But it's really rocked my boat about how to stay friends with people with whom I clearly do not share the same moral principles.
To me, good friends are about common understanding (haha oh look all my previous posts are coming back to haunt me) -- so then, what if it turns out we have no such common understanding? What if we turn out to have diametrically opposed core values, and that your friend doesn't value friendship in the same way you do at all? People break up with boyfriends all the time; can people break up with friends? Is there a rule to say that friends have to be forever, just to respect the past x years of friendship? How do you still trust them to be your friend when you know they don't have the same respect for friendship as you? How do you put that all aside and still love them anyway?
These are questions I do not have the answer for. These are questions which still tear me up when I think hard about them, because it's stuff that I wish I did not have to think about. This stuff makes me wish I were in primary school again when you never doubted or second-guessed your friends. Because unquestionable trust isn't something I can afford to subscribe to anymore.
3. Relationships is a toxic substance which should come with a big fat warning label.
And if there were one, it could read something like this:
WARNING: Relationships are potentially hazardous to your mental, spiritual and psychosocial health. Emotional dependency on this drug is of insidious onset, to the detriment of the patient. The buzz of feeling loved is highly addictive; withdrawal is painful and incapacitates normal functioning life. Symptoms of relationship toxicity include anxiety, insomnia, change in eating habits (either excessive eating or anorexia), obsessive compulsive-like syndrome manifested in constant phone checking to see if he's called or messaged, repeated mental replays of conversations and fights, and an inability to concentrate on other responsibilities in life. Long term complications include neglect of other relationships (friends, family), taking God's grace for granted, and reduction of your life to the role of 'fretting girlfriend' and little else.
Wow, that was cynical, even for me.
Is there a way you can read the above without feeling the cynicism? Like, this is seriously, objectively what I think about relationships (haha "objectively what I think", what an oxymoron). I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm not angrily fuming whilst writing these words. But I am, with careful consideration, saying them anyway, because I believe they are true. When I was 16 I never realised how big and scary relationships and all its messiness really are. Maybe the label would not have served any purpose because until you live through it, you arrogantly think, nah that won't happen to me. My 16 year old self would be saying to me now, please, don't be so melodramatic. I'm not that weak, ok? A boy won't screw up my life. I'm on top of it all.
But yeah, that's the single biggest life lesson I've learnt to date. A big call but I think it's true. This stuff isn't to be meddled with lightly. Don't give my heart away to just anyone to "see if stuff will work out between us" when better judgment clearly says no. Bravado is waned after the heart is weakened. And I'll be damned if I end up a soppy mess of an emotionally corrupt girlfriend again, needing his validation to be 'ok', craving it like a junkie. Yuck.
It isn't that relationships should be avoided at all costs, but just that I should treat it with a fearful respect. Like a drug which may have life-saving therapeutic value, but is only of benefit if you do not abuse it. Careless doctors don't regard drugs seriously enough, and their patients often succumb to drug toxicity. Same with me, except the patient I'm in charge of is my own heart.
Woah, this post turned out long despite my intention to keep things short (haha no jibes about me being long-winded). But yeah, this was 2004. Let's see what the plot will be like in 2005. Will there be new characters coming into the show? Will there be conflicts between major players, run-ins, heartbreak, big surprises, shocking revelations? Stay tuned folks...
Wishing you all a Christmas with meaning and a New Year of joy.
All my love, Grace.
posted by me. @ 11:35 AM
1 Comments:
Hey girlie...
I read your comment a while ago and I've been trying to think of a decent reply since then, but I guess I don't really have one.
On the one hand, it doesn't make logical sense to keep being friends with people that you clash with so badly, it's just complicating your life with fights and disagreements that you need not have.
On the other hand, if we just gave up on a friendship (or any relationship for that matter) just because conflict arose, then we would be very lonely people indeed. Friendship would be superficial, self-serving and ultimately meaningless if it's so transient, easily replacable when it doesn't suit our lives anymore. The guage of any relationship's beauty is its ability to weather through the storm, to perservere and "stand the rain" (I love that song)... and if we can make it through this, then hell I'll know that we'll make it through anything.
I just pray we'll get to the other side of this seemingly endless tunnel.
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